Don't give up

I was diagnosed with PCOS in March 2004 but my symptoms began much much earlier than that.  I got my first menses (period, bleed, AF) when I was on a school camp at 11 years of age.  I was always a little bit heavier than the other girls at school but wasn't really made aware of it until the 3rd grade when our teacher weighed us and put the results on a chart up on the wall of our classroom.  I hated that chart, I got teased by the boys in my class for being 6kg (about 12-13lb) heavier.  Was I a fatty, or just a normal weight for my height (I was the tallest girl in my class, but never grew any taller than 5'5" or 165cm)?  When I asked my mother, she said I was "big boned", that I was carrying "puppy fat", and that the other girls were far too skinny for her liking.

I always had a bit of a belly but it became much worse when I reached my 20's.  I think I was about 20 when I started having trouble with my menses, I would bleed for days and days without relief.  At about age 20-21 my local GP put me on the Pill and my weight BALLOONED.  I reached my peak weight of 96kg (Australian size 18) when I was 23.  During that time my facial hair began to sprout.  At first I put it down to genetics as my mother always had thick hairs on her chin which she plucked without shame.  I was incredibly embarrassed about my facial hair and took to plucking it in privacy.  Fifteen years later and I still pluck secretly, even though my husband knows I have facial hair and he has seen it (bless him, it doesn't bother him that I have it) I just can't bring myself to pluck in front of him.  He caught me once in the bathroom using my epilator and made a comment about it, I was absolutely mortified and upset, I thought he had left for work :-(

At about age 25 I began attending Weight Watchers and managed to shed about 20kg.  But as soon as I hit that weight I would struggle to lose any more and the weight would pile back on.  This happened again at age 33.
I started taking a different kind of Pill (Diane 35) when I was diagnosed with PCOS in March 2004, it was believed that this one would help ease my symptoms.  I took this Pill for about 5 months but noticed that I was starting to have some side effects, including a heavy, tight feeling in my chest, so I stopped taking it immediately as recommended.  Then, in November 2004, I suffered a stroke (Spontaneous Arterial Dissection), the cause was never found.

I got married in October 2005 and hoped to start a family right away.  Throughout most of 2005 I was anovulatory again, so I was suffering from weeks and weeks of constant bleeding.  The doctors told me that I wasn't allowed to take the Pill because of my history of stroke, so I suffered in silence.  Even on my wedding day I was bleeding.

In March 2006 I had had enough and went to see my gynaecologist who prescribed Clomid.  I fell pregnant after just a few cycles, but miscarried within days of getting a BFP.  Devastated, we tried hard and I fell again the next month, only to miscarry again.  I fell into a terrible depression and obsessed about suicide, it was a terrible time of my life.  We stopped having sex which made things worse and it put alot of pressure on our marriage (not just that, my depression and ill heath were major contributors too).

Even though I had stopped taking Clomid, my body was ovulating on its own again and in April 2008 I got my 3rd BFP, only to miscarry at 6.5 weeks.  After some insistance on my part, my gynaecologist gave me a referral for a Laparoscopy/HSG and in May 2008 during the procedure it was discovered that I also had Endometriosis peppered about on my ovaries and other internal organs.  The surgeon described my case as "mild" and so none of it was removed.  The HSG showed that my tubes were clear so I was free to keep trying for a baby.

BFP #4 surprised us in August 2008 and when I got to 8 weeks without bleeding I began to relax, but only a little and only for a few days.  Then the spotting began, then the bright red blood, then the clots of blood.  On the last night of September 2008 I awoke at midnight with a sharp pain, went to the bathroom and passed my little baby boy in the toilet.  My poor husband awoke with a shock when I started screaming hysterically from the bathroom.  I had been diagnosed before the miscarriage with a Retroplacental Haematoma, or blood clot in the wall of the uterus.  It was right next to the placenta, and every time the haematoma burst and refilled, it got bigger and bigger.  The night I miscarried, the placenta had forced part of the placenta away from the uterine wall, which caused the pain that woke me up.

Then in July/August 2011, I believe I suffered a 5th miscarriage.  I felt the symptoms of pregnancy again but I was too terrified to have it confirmed, after everything I have been through I just didn't want to know.  My marriage was in tatters at that time as well, my husband had asked me to leave and it was all but over between us.  The most horrific time of my life.

I can happily say that my marriage is NOT over, we were able to start sorting through our issues and it is just amazing what a change the last 4 months have made.  We are not actively TTC but we aren't taking precautions to prevent a pregnancy either.  Given my rate of failure in the past, the chances of us conceiving and carrying to term again are so minute that it seems pointless to use any contraception.

My goal for the remainder of 2012 is to get as fit and healthy as possible using a weightloss method that is NOT a diet, I will post about it in greater detail as the blog progresses.  I am putting myself out there as a guinea pig, if you will, for PCOS and Endometriosis sufferers.

xo B